108 - [INTERVIEW] Spilling the Secrets Behind How to Get Out of Your Own Way with That Confidence Chick Cait deMello

In this episode, we cover: 

• The importance of inner child work and parts work for high achieving women
• The Art of Having Your Own Back 
• How to work with That Confidence Chick - Cait deMello

Want to connect with Cait deMello?
Instagram Account:@thatconfidencechick
Website: www.thatconfidencechick.com

Remember that, you are worthy. You have value. You get to take up space in this world simply because you exist. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convenience you otherwise. If that idea or vision for your life is in you, then it is for you.

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Transcript

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Empowerment Through Shadow Work

Speaker 1 0:07

Can you believe they have the audacity ? Welcome to the have the Audacity podcast . I'm your host , jacey Lawlin . I'm on a mission to empower women like you to live audaciously . What does it mean to live audaciously , you ask ? Living audaciously means you're no longer available for living your life based on someone else's agenda , standards or boundaries . It's time to activate your power , use your voice and create the life you're meant to live . So the next time someone asks , can you believe she had the audacity , you can look at them and say , yeah , I did . Hey , audacious Human . I'm so glad that you're here for today's episode and I'm just super excited to bring this conversation to you .

Speaker 1 0:50

I got to record a conversation with my friend , caitlin . I met Caitlin in the mastermind that I was a part of all of 2023 . And she truly is an amazing human and I knew I had to bring her on . And so a little bit about her before we dive in . We talk about all the things about gaining self-awareness and identifying things that are standing in your way for creating the life that you want , and just really getting to know yourself better and how you're holding yourself back . So here's a little about Caitlin know yourself better and how you're holding yourself back . So here's a little about Caitlin .

Speaker 1 1:31

Caitlin is a master life coach with a therapeutic and trauma-informed background . As a CEO and founder of that Confidence Chick , she mastered the art of having her own back , living her dream and loving her life , and that's her mission . She's on a mission to help empower women to have their own back , live their dream and love their life . So we talk about all the things what shadow work is , what inner child work is , parts work , how all this ties together with confidence , and how that's going to empower you to build your own version of an audacious life . She truly is such a genuine human and I'm so excited for you to hear this . So , without further ado , let's dive on into today's episode . Hey , audacious human . I'm so excited for today's guest because I met Caitlin in a mastermind and she , honestly , is the coolest human and we've become friends . And so , caitlin , welcome to the show .

Speaker 2 2:34

Thank you for having me . I'm so excited to be here and I absolutely love the word audacious .

Speaker 1 2:40

So thank you .

Speaker 2 2:42

You've actually reintroduced it into my vocabulary . I love that .

Speaker 1 2:46

I love that . So can you tell the listener a little about who you are , what , what it is that you do ? Yeah , I would love to .

Speaker 2 2:52

So I am a certified master life coach . Um , I am trained in somatics , inner child work , parts work , all of the good stuff that work with the depths of the shadow , and what it is that I do is I work with amazing women on confidence and conscious manifestation . And I use the word conscious on purpose , because when you simply live your life , you are manifesting , because the actual definition that we don't think about of manifestation is just simply being , and so you are constantly doing that simply by being . So I like to throw that word in there with a purpose and with an intent . And so , yeah , so I started .

Speaker 2 3:36

I had a very long path .

Speaker 2 3:37

I don't know how much you want me to tell , but I had a very long and windy road .

Speaker 2 3:41

I'll just kind of say that just to kind of get to the point . And that long and windy road got me to where I am today and it got me to figure out my own confidence issues that have turned into major empowerment and , you know , feeling and living an empowered life and living in full confidence and creating my own style of manifestation and finding out what works for me , because some of the things that I was learning , they weren't really jiving with me . I didn't fully agree with some of them . I was trying some t-shirts on and they just didn't fit very well . So it really led me down that path to where , today , now , I'm not only teaching what I've learned within myself to other women , but I'm helping them to curate their life really and create that life that I got to do for myself , in whatever way that looks for them , and it's by getting in touch with those shadows , it's by unearthing whatever's within that's preventing them from feeling worthy , from accessing what it is , that that they desire .

Speaker 1 4:49

I love it and so we're , we're jumping in like there's so much there and I was just even saying you're thinking like okay , the listener who's like never heard of this before , is like what is somatics , what is shadows ? Like you mean the thing that follows me over , like around , like everybody has a shadow , like what are we talking about here ? So like let's , let's start there . Like so , because that's a big part of what you do , is like shadow work and in that . And so what is that ? When we refer to shadows , what are we talking about ? I love , love that question .

Speaker 2 5:23

And , depending on where you live on social media it tends to come up as a little bit of a buzzword , but not everyone is truly familiar with it and it also kind of sounds like I work in the magic arts . So I am not Harry Potter . Or actually I guess I'm not Draco Malfoy , because I feel like he would work with the shadows there we go . Yeah , exactly . So , yeah , I'm a Hufflepuff , if you can't tell , with this personality .

Speaker 1 5:51

I'm a Slytherin , since we're going down a lot of the whole thing , but I'm sure that probably doesn't surprise you . You're like okay , that makes sense .

Speaker 2 5:58

I love that . I love it , um and so , okay , but shadow work , okay . What is it at its core ? It is . It's called shadow work .

Speaker 2 6:09

Carl young was a psychologist way back when who really devised this and , to sum it up in probably a very clumsy way , it's all about the parts of yourself that at one point or another in your life you were told weren't acceptable , and so you then took that on and told yourself that it wasn't acceptable . So it's the stuff that you kind of hide and put away into quote , unquote the shadows . And so the shadow work comes when you unearth those different things that you're hiding , and you unearth and take a look at what it is that you're not allowing others to see , the things that you're again hiding and preventing from seeing the light . And sometimes you're not even aware of it . Sometimes you're not even aware of these aspects of yourself that you don't want others to see . And it can show up , and this is my job .

Speaker 2 7:01

I work with people to see how that shows up in their life , because it can show up like an overachiever . You know they don't want someone to think that they're lazy , so they hide that part of themselves and they do , do , do , do do , because not doing me equals lazy , and lazy equals no love from parents or from whoever , from caregivers , anyway . So that's just a brief rundown , a very , very high level . But what I do is I help unearth that and create compassion around it so it can be integrated and so that you don't have to fear being lazy and you can take breaks and rest . And that's just one example , but yeah , so I hope that helps .

Speaker 1 7:42

No , that is a very great high level view of like . Okay , this is when we refer to shadows . This is what we're talking about the parts of yourself that you hide away , that you don't even know . So what is ? I'm really curious now . So what is that process like ? Unearthing those you said like you may not even realize that at some point in your life you push this part of you away and that it's there . So how do you find something and unearth it and bring it to the surface if you don't even realize that it's tucked away ?

Speaker 2 8:09

Right , yeah , I walk with people in the shadows and I know that again sounds like I'm in the dark .

Speaker 2 8:16

But really what it is is someone is hiding something because they don't feel safe enough to see it . They don't feel safe enough to acknowledge it or to recognize it . My job at its core is to create that safe cocoon for someone to start to incorporate all the parts of themselves , to form into the butterfly , just to keep with the metaphor . So what I do is first I just get a sense of there's high level things and there's really deep low level things that I do . So we'll probably start by building rapport so that I can show you , my client , that there's trust there , that there's safety there .

Speaker 2 8:56

And as we progress with the information that I get , and when I start to piece together different patterns of my client's story , I can start to reflect it back to them . I can ask them different questions and say , hey , how does this sound ? How does this land ? Let's let's go deeper here . I'm hearing you say this over and over again . Let's take a look at that , let's see where this stems from . Oftentimes , you know shadow work and something that I mentioned called parts work they can go hand in hand and and inner child work . It's all kind of like similar branches of a tree . Anyway , moral , and we can get to that in a minute if you'd like . But moral of the story is I'll kind of bring things to their attention that I'm seeing and create the safe space for them to take a deeper look at what's happening within them and how that's translating to the world around them .

Speaker 1 9:51

I really like that and I can see that that is definitely something you don't want to do alone , because I'm even just like thinking about it . You're like that's very uncomfortable , like no . Like if you think of like tugging things away in like shadows , that's like a dark place , like no , I'd rather'd rather not . Like are you sure , caitlin , that we need to bring it out like it's doing great over there ? You ?

Speaker 2 10:12

know like I could just see that like like being a thing where you're just like no , I'd rather not .

Speaker 1 10:16

So now I'm curious and I'm sure like a person is like okay , shadow work , this kind of making sense to me mildly , woo , woo , like we're leaning into the woo , woo on this episode . I like it and I know you're like this is what you do , but it's just like , and I feel like part of why people don't understand . They just don't understand it because I mean like like we're kind of making a joke about it . But shadow work , you kind of think like okay , are you in like dark arts , is harry potter wizarding world in real life thing ? Like what is going ? Like if you've never heard of it , then that's like what you're thinking , like what is happening here .

Speaker 1 10:52

So like just these conversations are so beneficial to like debunk it , but also like give people more tools . Like hey , there's more tools out there to understand yourself better . Yeah , and so you mentioned like another part of the tree is like inner child work , and I feel like right now that that's also all of this is kind of buzzwordy right now , but nobody really does . They're just like work on your inner child , or I've been working on my inner child , and then they leave it and leave people who've never heard of this work of like , what do you mean ? So like , let's dive into this part like inner child work . What is ? What is this ?

Speaker 2 11:31

yeah , and it's so . It's so funny , and maybe your listeners or whoever's or anybody that might not be as um into or as willing to toe the line of that spirituality aspect , a way that they might be able to relate to this is some of these are just names for similar things , and what it's really all about is almost everyone I've encountered can relate to having an inner critic , a voice in their head that kind of beats them up for things that they tell themselves is stupid or silly or things like that .

Understanding Shadow, Inner Child, Parts

Speaker 2 12:05

And so you know what shadow work , inner child work and parts work and I'll get to that in just a minute . What these do is it creates a way to take a look at things like that when they no longer are helpful to you . And so an example from my life is my inner critic used to be so loud that I almost couldn't even hear my own thoughts , and I would just constantly shame myself and yell at myself in my own head for almost anything that I would do .

Speaker 2 12:32

I would leave a party , leave a room , leave something , and I would be like , all right , I did something stupid in there , and then my thoughts would go . And so these are methods of study that have been formed to help explain the relationship you have with yourself . So I hope that just clears it up a little bit . It doesn't have to go into the woo-woo if you look at it that way . But I'm a spiritual person so I'm going to dip the toes in the water . So inner child work , is this psychological , spiritual , spiritual psychology , spiritual psychological theory ?

Speaker 2 13:08

I don't somebody else figure out how to say that it's a theory where , from the ages of some say , in utero , to seven , max 12 , that is the time span of your life where a lot of your inner core beliefs are solidified , and so those are the core beliefs that you act from as you grow up .

Speaker 2 13:33

And so there are these parts of yourself that get a little bit frozen in time and so when you respond as an adult , you're responding from that age , and so what you're looking to do in inner child work is really heal the relationship that you have with your own inner child . That was that didn't receive what they needed at the time . And you know , sometimes people throw around the word trauma . It's not as big of a word as a lot of people think it is . I say there's capital T and little t trauma . Little t trauma is really just anything you've experienced in your life that was too much , too fast , too soon and it throws your system . It throws your nervous system . So if that happened , it's like by the age of 12 , it formed a core belief about yourself and about the world around you , and that's what you're acting from . So you're trying to heal that relationship with yourself no-transcript and understanding people , I guess , like differently .

Speaker 1 14:36

When you're like , why are they reacting like that ? And you're like , oh , because , like , we all have this , and if you think about just seeing , like a 5 , 6 , 7-year-old how they act and react to things , and you're like , oh , and then , knowing like , how important that time is because you like you establish your core beliefs then , and you're like , oh , okay , so it just helps you understand people more . When you're like , oh , or why you think the way you do , you're like I don't really know why I'm feeling this way or reacting this way .

Speaker 2 15:05

But then , when you like go back , you're like , oh , this happened , so now we need to like rewrite this it is very empowering and a great tool for , like self-awareness yeah , absolutely , and you know , and you know so I there are inner child psychologists that really do the capital T trauma healing modalities . So I I don't deep dive into that , but I am trained in the modality of inner child work . So if there is any , I refer out . I know my limits , I refer out for things like that . So just to be clear , there are different levels . But one thing I absolutely love to talk about , especially people who are partnered , is when you're having a difficult time in your communication with your partner or things keep coming up between you two that are triggering you . If you can recognize and notice that it's your inner child talking to their inner child , you can start to just have so much more compassion for each other . And it's something that has nothing to do with either one of you , that's happening within you , but they're just reminding you of something that happened in the past .

Speaker 1 16:12

Oh , I agree , and that almost even makes me think I've been reading the Big , the big leap . Yes , right , I did not mess that up . I've almost done with this book and I'm like here I am messing up this title . But um was talking about how , when you're arguing , or like you know these conversations , you're not actually arguing , arguing about what you think you're arguing about yes like that's not it at all and so , like I love that and just understanding people more .

Speaker 1 16:39

And you and I really like how you explained . You know , for somebody who doesn't like really identify with , like leaning into the spirituality of all of this is , um , looking at it like separately is a way to kind of deal . It almost makes it not personal , like it is , but it isn't it like gives you it kind of sets it aside . And I always like joke like that .

Speaker 1 17:03

People look at me like I'm lost , all my marbles in my head because , um , I talk about my anxiety like that , like I I'm like my guys , my anxiety is a rabbit , like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland , and like that helps me . And I'm like , oh , when I'm feeling really amped up in my mind running , I'm like , oh , the rabbit is like out of control and it's like like I know it's my thoughts , but it just like separates it enough that you're like , okay , this isn't me , like I have control over this , like we can approach this and I know like I love that and that's what I feel like this all this work is too , is it's just like let's peel it apart and not make it mean anything super personal , like just so you can lay it out and look at it so what you're doing is parts work that's the third piece of the equation .

Speaker 2 17:51

And so , without even knowing it , you're identifying a part of yourself that is probably protecting an inner child , and so it's so funny you say that . But part of yourself that is probably protecting an inner child , and so it's so funny you say that . But my inner critic is named Yolanda . I don't know why the name just came to me , so I stuck with it .

Speaker 2 18:05

And now Yolanda acts crazy from time to time , and she just does , and so , along with separation , it allows you to just humanize what's happening , and I don't mean here , I mean humanize in the sense of , like I'm a human , of course this is happening and letting it just be okay , rather than I need this to go away , I need this to stop . I need , oh my God , if only my inner critic would go away , then I would be the most powerful woman in the world , you know , and it's like well , that's not actually true . The more that you will something to go away , the more powerful it gets . So what you're doing for yourself , jc , is already something that's so powerful and impactful because you're creating space for compassion .

Speaker 1 18:50

Well , I love that . That would be just like , oh , I'm doing that when I am doing it , and like there's a great explanation for the person listening . Like here's parts work . You're just separating it out . I feel like there you go , guys , for life example , you're welcome , um , but I mean I it's just always so interesting and like all these parts . So I know , like because you're the confidence chick that you're , that is , and so how do all of these things tie together for confidence ?

Speaker 2 19:21

I love that . So I have a different belief on confidence than what's typically touted out in the world . I think that when people hear confidence coach , they think of just do it or Nike or like just do the thing . And I actually have a huge bone to pick with that because I operate under the assumption that people aren't just doing the thing for a reason and sometimes when you tell someone there can be a lot of shame involved when it comes to confidence . So shame and self-d very much linked and confidence and trust are essentially the same thing .

Speaker 2 20:03

So when you are the way that I explain it is , confidence to me is like the essence of soul , that it's the wholeness of soul . And so as you go through your life , if you imagine that you are born with a full , whole soul and going along with the shadow , work , parts , work , inner child stuff , and by the age of let's again use 12 , let's say by the age of 12 , that soul and those beliefs get a little chipped away at . That's how I view confidence . So it just gets chipped away as you grow up with the beliefs that you gather . So it just gets chipped away as you grow up with the beliefs that you gather . And so what I do is I help to heal that relationship with yourself . So you come through on the other side knowing that you have your own back , and that's really my slogan for everything is to have your own back . So how does that translate into a human being operating with my coaching ? So what that looks like is we really do that underneath layer work of the shadow work , inner child work so that when the time comes to quote , unquote just do the thing .

Speaker 2 21:07

It's not about doing the thing , it's about knowing they have their back on the other side . So it's no longer just about I have to get this thing done . It's about I know who I am through the process and I know that I'm not going to abandon myself if the results don't go my way . And I think that's the danger is when , when people are being told to just do it and no knock on Nike , I love their slogan , this isn't even about them . But when people are told to just do it and just do the thing , if their nervous system isn't primed and ready and if their relationship with themselves isn't ready to handle a response , reaction or outcome , that isn't what they're doing the thing for . It could trigger them and it could send them backwards and it could send them into a spiral . And so , for me , the confidence piece doesn't come from just doing the thing . It comes from being able to let go of the results because of the security , the trust , the confidence in yourself .

Speaker 1 22:11

I really , I really like that explanation and so I'm like I have a hot take here , because you know you're talking about just do it and we're friends . So I'm going to ask you this question and I want to know your thoughts on it . Is you know you're talking about how you like have an issue with the just do it because , like , you could abandon yourself if , like , not everything's ready . So then , what are your thoughts on , like this whole movement currently , right now , of like just take the messy action , like just figure it out , like just so , and I know where that's coming from is like to not be stuck in analysis , paralysis and like perfectionist is like just do it , but what are your thoughts on that ?

Speaker 2 22:56

I think I love the message I could use I would love to take messy action . I think our perfectionists are coming under fire a little bit there , and you know , I think that I think that when people are saying just do it and just take the messy action , it's so massively oversimplified and I get it . I totally get it because it is such a good message , like , just don't give a shit , right , and maybe that should be the message . But you know , it's really just saying be messy and let it be okay . But for someone who and this isn't personal experience , but just to give a good example for someone who grew up in a home where if their bedroom was messy and they got beaten for it , or if they or they got chastised and berated for it to the point of internal shame , for them to just put something messy out into the world is death to them . And so I I actually do love the slogan . I need to implement it .

Speaker 2 24:05

The women that I work with are the ones that that receive that message and they're like but I can't do that . If I do that , like my world is going to fall apart . That equals death to me , because you know it's the loss of love from my parents . That equals physical and emotional pain . So I love your hot take , I love that you brought it up and I'm not even I'm not even saying don't say things like that .

Speaker 1 24:33

I think like I don't like polarization because I think we have to live in a world where messages around us um , and I just think that it's not that easy for the majority of people and no , and I'm like , I'm not like shooting for polarizing or anything , I just am like curious about your thought because it's it is so used now , like I feel like in the last year at least , in , like you know , the entrepreneurial space especially , like you just see it everywhere , just take the message action . But it's like you know , like you said , the way when you work with like no , and I think of myself five years ago no , my nervous system was not in a place where , if things didn't go well , that I was going to be able to keep it separated from me . Or you know , even , like you said , I love how you said it's like death , like your brain literally is like no , this is not safe , we're not doing this . And so like creating that safety first . And so I just like wanted to bring it up , because if somebody's listening to this and they're you , you know , like the women you're talking about , who like they just tell me just to do it , just take messy action , stop overthinking

Navigating Shame and Psychological Safety

Speaker 1 25:47

it .

Speaker 1 25:47

But like deep , like I feel , and then you almost hit that internalized shame because you're like I'm scared to do it . So then now you're just stuck in this whole thing Because you're like I'm scared to do it . So then now you're just stuck in this whole thing . Well now , because I don't feel safe to do it and they're telling me I should do it , then something's wrong with me and maybe I can't do this and you just down this whole spiral To me where it's almost like just as much and that's where it's hard . It's so hard because it's humans and life and business is just interacting with humans all the time , and so like , while I agree , like sometimes those blanket you can't like blanket statement things , it's like you have to know your people .

Speaker 2 26:26

Yes , a thousand percent yes . And I love that you just hit the shame piece , because it can feel so shameful to see people sling slogans like that and to think , well , why can't I ? There must be something wrong with me , and that is . That is the definition of shame . Is there's something wrong with me ? It's the internalization of you know , of a feedback of you know . It's the internalization of internalization of um .

Speaker 2 26:58

You know what , what's being reported to you and saying that I'm reason for this and part of the reason that shame is such a big thing and and the modalities that I've been talking about , um are such a big thing , is because in those ages , um , those like elementary and younger ages , your perspective on the world is self-centered , you don't know , your brain isn't formed well enough to , or isn't developed enough to , distinguish between I'm causing this versus that's just happening .

Speaker 2 27:39

So everything from your vantage point is I'm causing this , I'm the problem , I'm wrong and so anyway . So I think that's also why there's a lot of the gentle parenting going on and things like that , and I love that you brought that up because , again , like I feel , like I think it's just so nice to point things out like that and I love that you brought that up Because , again , like I feel , like I think it's just so nice to point things out like that and it doesn't have to be so that people stop saying things like that , but it can just be to say , hey , that is one perspective just take messy action .

Speaker 2 28:11

And I think if it were coming from me , it would be . I want to help you be able to take messy action rather than just telling them to do it , so I think that that might be the shift that I would make for myself .

Speaker 1 28:25

It's like I mean , and that essentially is like make sure you're in a place where you can like let's . The goal needs to be to be to a place where you can do it . But if you're not in a place where you're taking messy action , it's always going to be scary , but if it doesn't feel safe in your body and in yourself , then that's okay . That just means there's other work that needs to be done before you get to that step .

Speaker 2 28:53

That is such an incredible point and observation , jc , because , at the heart of it , when you feel shame and you feel there's something wrong with you , there is no safety in your own body , because if there's something wrong with you , you are broken and you need to be fixed in order to perform . Live whatever and there's no psychological safety there . Live whatever and there's no psychological safety there . If you think that if you're walking around living in a broken machine , how are you able to fully function , or how are you able to think about yourself as fully functioning .

Speaker 1 29:28

No , that's just such a good point and I can share this from a place of you know , like we just tying , like I mean everything together and it was so like dinner , going back to their child work , about how you know , zero to seven , where all your core beliefs happen in those early ages . And that was super powerful for me because I learned and I'm not like shaming my parents or whatever , like family , like that's not it , but like when I was a kid , my motivation to be good was to not disappoint people . Internal shame was how I functioned and I'm not saying anybody put that on me , but like literally I never got grounded , I never . There was no like timeouts . You could just be like I'm disappointed , you did that destroyed and and that got me to was like you know , you , you build these core beliefs because in that time your brain is everything's about you , because it's not developed enough to think past that . So and then you think of like how detrimental that is if your core beliefs are established then , and then , like the whole world is about you .

Speaker 1 30:43

Then you're operating as you get older and you're like having to undo all of these things , yeah , yeah . So I'm like , yeah , I get it if you're like this doesn't feel safe in my body . Like , literally , I don't feel safe , even though I'm in a house and everything's fine , and I know if I post something on the internet and somebody doesn't like it , like it's not , it's fine , like I don't care . There's a block feature , you know , like it's whatever , like I am safe . But you have to feel safe first , and that took a long time , and so somebody is listening to this and they're like wow , I don't ever really feel safe in myself . How does , where does one start ?

Speaker 2 31:25

I love this question so much , and some people may not even know that they're not feeling safe , and so I'll just give a quick example of what that might look like . If you can't escape your thoughts , if you are constantly lowering your standards which might have been what you were doing because of the disappointment thing . If you're constantly lowering your standards when you're around other people because you feel like you're not worthy enough to maintain standards that you desire . If you are giving away your power in situations like if you are staying in relationships and careers and situations longer than you should because someone else's discomfort or pain is more important than your own Different things like that , that would be unsafety in yourself , Unsafety , feeling unsafe with yourself going through something like that , and oftentimes what will happen is there's well anyway . It's basically self-abandonment , Like you're putting somebody else's needs ahead of your own , and that's a form of unsafety . So one of the best things that someone could do is to kind of go along with what you were

Emotional Release and Handling Anger

Speaker 2 32:43

saying .

Speaker 2 32:43

There's a practice that cultivates safety in the body . It's scientifically proven to address the vagus nerve that runs up and down and is the center of the whole nervous system . It's putting a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly and taking deep breaths . The hand on heart and hand on belly is an actual signal , a physical signal to that nerve that you are safe . And so you can put a hand on heart , hand on belly , take deep breaths , focus on your breathing and tell yourself I am safe .

Speaker 2 33:17

There's a caveat to this . It's not , I am safe . So whatever I'm feeling or experiencing gets to leave . It's I am safe in whatever I am experiencing and it's okay that what I'm experiencing is here . And that's the most important part of building safety is knowing that the anxiety , the fear , the stress , the overwhelm , the whatever it is that it's okay that you're feeling that , Because the messages that you're receiving from yourself is this is not okay , I am not safe . So you have to tell yourself that what you're feeling is safe , Not okay , I'm safe , you can leave . So I just wanted to make that distinction . But hand on heart , hand on belly , deep breath , I am safe I'm feeling a lot of anxiety panicking .

Speaker 1 34:05

I'm safe . You can go now like the panic and anxiety is gonna be like I'm good , right here , I'm not going anywhere it's like you will listen to me , but you know like it comes back to you know you're talking about like , what you pay attention to , like it it's just going to grow . So if you're like , go away , go away , go away , go away , go away , you're focusing all your attention on that and so what you look for you're going to find . So it's just going to get bigger .

Speaker 2 34:39

And if you also think of a child . You know I know almost every listener has probably had some sort of interaction with a child and they want your attention . They want your attention . If you're ignoring it or if you're telling it to go , it them excuse me or children , you are them , not it . If you are telling them to go away or if you are ignoring them , what are they going to do ? They're going to fight harder for your attention . You know them . What are they going to do ? They're going to fight harder for your attention , you know . And so what it really needs the emotion and the child , what it really needs is your love , your attention and your compassion . And if you don't have time in the moment , especially , most especially , with anger , if you don't have time in the moment to feel it , because you need to be present with what's happening , setting and following through on a date where you allow yourself to be with it later , because otherwise it will just stick in your system and show up as some sort of ache , ailment , pain , what have you ?

Speaker 1 35:43

So that would be my recommendation and that's the somatics piece of working with the body to come full circle and I love that and I'm like , oh wait , you're telling me I'm supposed to feel anger . It's not like good to just like I don't ever get angry . That's not a flex . I mean like we don't want people blowing off and screaming at people , but not ever feeling anger is not a flex , correct ?

Speaker 2 36:11

Oh my God , it is like I don't know what the opposite of a flex is . It's a stiff board Like . I don't know . I don't even know how to counteract that . You know . I love that . You also said I'm not telling people to go out and blow up at other people .

Speaker 1 36:27

I love that you also said I'm not telling people to go out and blow up at other people .

Speaker 2 36:29

I am saying that the more you shame yourself by telling yourself you're bad for having anger , the more angry you're going to feel . I actually just recorded something earlier today where I was talking about when you experience a situation that makes you feel angry , frustrated , hurt , anything that has that anger base as the emotion and you don't do something about it , you don't let yourself feel it , you don't speak up for yourself , whatever . It's almost like you're putting , you walk away , you're putting kindling on a fire and then , anytime you enter into a space that represents that , it's like you're walking into a little spark and if nothing happens and you don't do anything , you walk away and there's more kindling on the fire until finally the spark is going to catch and it's going to turn into a bonfire . And so what you really want to do is , if you are feeling , if you're noticing that you're walking through the world and little frustrations are coming up , it's because you're not . You're not handling your anger , you're not fully processing and feeling it through , and that's anger leaking out in different ways Irritation , frustration . That's anger leaking out in different ways . So what I recommend is scheduling time in different ways .

Speaker 2 37:49

So what I recommend is scheduling time . I'm so big on scheduling emotion time , but scheduling times where you allow yourself to fully tap into your anger . And if you're , I don't think I can do that , fine , put on a rage playlist and just scream . Just scream If you're in your car , just just , even if it's just like a get yourself familiar with it . And or if you don't want to use your voice because that's too scary to you , use a fist , a bat , a pan and just kind of hit a pillow . It doesn't have to be hard to start , but move the anger emotion out of you , remove the anger emotion out of you . And the last thing I'll say on that is the only thing that I highly , highly , highly recommend and actually beg that people do is do not put the anger towards yourself . You can yell at God , you can yell at universe , you can yell at family member , you yell at um , and I'm saying not in person , I'm saying like to a pillow to a room .

Speaker 2 38:54

You can yell at anything , but don't direct the anger at yourself okay .

Speaker 1 39:02

so if they're like , why , if I'm the one that made the choices , like I'm just gonna play that person for the person who's listening , and they're like okay ? Why , if I'm the one that made the choices , like I'm just going to play that person for the person who's listening and they're like okay , why can't I direct the anger at myself ?

Speaker 2 39:14

Because what you're doing is you are recycling the motion because it's happening towards you . So what you want to do is you want to get the emotion out . To do is you want to get the emotion out and almost like , if you look at yourself I can't think of a metaphor , but if you let's just visualize it this way , let's say it's someone screaming If you visualize the anger coming out of their mouth being directed at them , it circles back . There's no release there . I'm angry at me .

Speaker 2 39:45

Why the fuck would I do ? Can I swear here ? You can swear , okay , sorry , why the fuck would I do that ? What's wrong with me ? Why would I like ? How ? How did I not know ? How did I ? Do you see how that's like ? How do you ? How do you escape that ? How do you get yourself out of that ? But if you say like , why was that car in my way ? Why couldn't you know ? You , you put it away from you and outside of you and you allow the energy of that emotion , emotion energy and motion . You allow that energy of the emotion to exit your system and then , when you're done , you'll notice there's so much more space and you get to fill that space . Play an awesome playlist , put on your favorite song , go for a walk in nature , do the I am safe meditation or breathing practice , you know . So , yeah , I love that you asked that question .

Speaker 1 40:47

And I think that was such a great explanation . I love the visual of like it just could be back to you and for the person listening who's like , okay , this is I'm going to try it , like I have done this . And I'll tell you , the first time I did it I was like they're crazy , they're full of it . I'm just gonna be honest , I'm here for some woo woo stuff , but this is this , is it like we're gonna do it ? So I can say that I did it and I can tell you that you were full of shit like that literally was like it .

Speaker 1 41:17

And then I did it and like felt all the energy move . And then don't be alarmed if you cry . If you do , I love that and you cry because then I got really angry and it got my anger out and then I just cried for a little bit and it was like such a release and it was like it felt so good . But I just want to normalize that like you're not , you're not broken . If you get your anger out and then there's more emotion behind it , it's just like the anger kind of like clogged the energy movement . So now it was just like everything came out .

Embracing Anger and Self-Care

Speaker 2 41:48

Yes , and anger is actually considered a secondary emotion . So when you're feeling anger , it's typically because it's more readily available , like , and what it usually masks is sadness . And so you know the other piece of that is so the anger is masking the sadness . And then , on top of that , especially as women , we're told that we're not allowed to be angry . And so you know , going through the world , being having the world tell you that anger is not attractive on a woman . And like there are phrases angry woman , you know it's , it's , it's used , it's thrown about . Phrases angry woman , you know it's , it's , it's used , it's thrown about and it is what it is , whatever . But we're not supposed to be angry , we're supposed to be amenable , we're supposed to be , you know , easygoing and fluid . And I think what people forget to understand is anger is what fuels justice . Anger is what fuels change . Anger is what fuels things . So if we look at anger as being bad , part of us is bad .

Speaker 2 42:57

And the more we tamp down our anger , the more we tamp down our joy , the more we tamp down , you know , passion , creativity , the more you know it's . It's linked to so many things . But also , if you restrict yourself in one area , you restrict yourself in another .

Speaker 1 43:16

I love that point . You don't just get to stifle one area of your emotions . If you're going to push one down , then they're all going down .

Speaker 2 43:34

Oh yeah , oh yeah , and it's all about what you can handle to . You know , priming yourself and creating safety for yourself , like that's really what it is . And I also think you know there are some people out there who probably grew up in homes where anger was scary , dangerous and resulted in physical and emotional pain , and so for them to experience it in themselves . There's fear around that , and so part of my work is leading people through anger exercises so that they can tap into it . They can do it in a safe space , they can be seen in it and know that there's nothing wrong with them for feeling this emotion , and they can literally I mean you could probably speak to this too it feels like you take the doors off their hinges and you're just standing in the sunlight like , oh , okay , what's next ?

Speaker 1 44:24

It's just like you literally open like the floodgates . It's just like so much and you don't realize that energy stuck in you until you move it , and then you just can feel the flow of just everything if you experience all the other emotions more yes , yes , it heightens everything .

Speaker 2 44:46

You know it really does . It heightens everything , for sure .

Speaker 1 44:49

Yeah , Okay , so I really loved this conversation , but I'm , like you can tell we're friends , like it's just you , me and the listener , we're just sitting chatting and it's great . So I want to be mindful of your time , but I have two final questions of your time . But I have two final questions . So the first one is this is have the audacity podcast . So what does the phrase have the audacity ?

Speaker 2 45:13

mean to you . Oh , I love this so much because my word for 2024 is shameless and have the audacity means go out there , be your fucking shameless self and just I almost just used the same phrase and just have the audacity . But to me , I guess , what I would say it means is be shameless in what you do , own who you are and don't take anything less .

Speaker 1 45:38

I love that so much . My last question I have for you is in this podcast for normalizing , self-care looks different for everybody , and so , instead of having like a Spotify playlist , we have a self-care handbook of everybody's go-to self-care that has ever been on the show . So what is your go-to self-care for yourself ?

Speaker 2 46:00

My personal one , your personal one . I love this , I would have to say it's my daily morning practice . So my personal self-care , I have to work it into my day at some point . If I wake up late , it's just pulling a couple of Oracle or tarot cards , journaling and tapping into what I need . So , whether it is tapping into my future vision , my future self , whether it's tapping into my future vision , my future self , whether it's tapping into my inner child , whether it's just body movement or figuring out what it is that I need , but it's really spending time with myself and I think , yeah , I would say that is probably my go-to self-care . But I think my favorite thing about your question is that self-care looks different for everyone .

Speaker 1 46:52

Yes , and I love that this document has no two are the same . Awesome . That's the most fun part is you look at things and you're like , oh , I never would have thought about that . Or like I , I never would have thought about that . Or like I need to try this . And what I love about yours that you said that I just want to pick out and like leave with this is asking what you need . Like how often do we go through life and we never ask ourselves what we need ?

Speaker 2 47:23

Yeah , yeah , yeah , too often way too often .

Speaker 1 47:29

Well , how can like ? This was so much fun again . Um , how can the listener connect with you ?

Speaker 2 47:36

Uh , through Instagram that confidence chick . Um T H A T that um confidence chick . And then um . My website is thatconfidencechickcom . They can follow me there . I have a podcast called Sage that Shit , so if they want to catch me just chatting with one of my other friends , that would be awesome too .

Speaker 1 48:02

But yeah , instagram and website would probably be the best , and I will link all of that in the show notes below . So thank you again . So much , caitlin . This was so much fun .

Speaker 2 48:12

Thank you , jc , you're amazing .

Speaker 1 48:21

I truly hope that you got something good out of that conversation and I really hope that you felt like it was the three of us just sitting and chatting , because that was the vibe of that I was going for in this , and so I hope that really came through and you learned something new today that is going to give you the tools and tips to empower you to build your own version of an audacious life , and I know Caitlin would love to hear what your takeaways were , so please reach , dm her on Instagram , share this , take a screenshot , share this on Facebook with your takeaways , tag us in it so we can see it and personally message you and just tell you . Thank you for helping us share this message and for listening and get to chat with you in the DMs about what your takeaways were from this . It's the best part of podcasting is getting to interact with you and talk with you . I'm rooting for you and I can't wait to talk to you soon . First , I want to say thank you so much for listening to today's episode . It truly means so much to me that you were here and that I want to say thank you so much for listening to today's episode . It truly means so much to me that you were here and that I got to be a small part of your day .

Speaker 1 49:31

I have three things to tell you before you go , though . First , please rate and review this podcast . It truly helps this podcast grow and get the message out , and is such a simple thing that you could do to support this show . Thank you for doing that

Empowering Reminder of Self-Worth

Speaker 1 49:46

. Second , share this episode with somebody right now that you know do to support this show . Thank you for doing that . Second , share this episode with somebody right now that you know needs to hear it , or take a screenshot , tag me on social media and let me know what you loved about this episode .

Speaker 1 49:56

I love getting to connect with you . And the third last thing I have is I cannot let you go without sending you off into the rest of your day with the reminder that I want you to always remember you are worthy , you have value , you get to take up space in this world simply because you exist . Don't let anyone , including yourself , convince you otherwise , and if that idea or vision for your life is in you , it is for you . Living with this phrase in mind in today's world is such a truly audacious thing for you to do so until the next time I talk to you . Remember , have the audacity .